THE EXPENSIVE CHARLATAN
by Desktop Dragon
Summary: Follow on from Wilful Negligence. After Ana's confrontation with Carrick & Grace she starts to question John Flynn's role in Christian's life, but whilst researching and seeking advice she stumbles on information which whilst confirming her worst fears about Flynn also make her more determined to find the right help for her complicated man. I DO NOT OWN FSOG OR ITS CHARACTERS.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHORS NOTE: This story came to me after I wrote '_Wilful Negligence_' as after I had addressed Carrick & Grace's failings as parents I then turned my attention to John Flynn as something always struck me about him that he didn't do enough to meaningfully help Christian, preferring instead to keep him as a regular income for himself instead. **

**It was originally going to be a one shot like ****Wilful Negligence**** but the line this story took quickly evolved and became more and it wrote itself especially after talking with a fellow Brit who contacted me via PM after she had read Wilful Negligence to say she didn't write reviews but wanted to say how much she enjoyed that particular story and how much she agreed with what I had written. We chatted about it and she went on to voice her opinions of what she thought was 'wrong' with Christian and I shared with her my views on what issues I believed he was dealing with and it transpired that we shared the same opinion. I realised that if John was negligent in his diagnosis of Christian – as he never really offered any diagnosis or explanation for how Christian was, I had to offer an alternative and what I have always suspected isn't one of the more 'acceptable' mental health disorders. So that is when the story also evolved a bit more to encompass how much stigma surrounds mental illness in general – and in particular how much prejudice surrounds **_**certain**_** mental health diagnoses and how people quickly jump to conclusions and judgement's from what they have heard about this particular disorder from negative portrayals of it in films and the media and I wanted to show examples of that prejudice and I hope I have done that successfully. **

**I would also just like to say before I get a rush of incensed messages & reviews surrounding the diagnosis I have given Christian that… I do actually know what I am talking about when it comes to this particular disorder.**

THE EXPENSIVE CHARLATAN

CHAPTER 1

'_In the limited time you have known him; you have made more progress with my patient than I have in the past two years_…'

I sit at the dressing table in our bedroom and once again I am going over the conversation I had with John Flynn. You'd think I'd give it up already as that conversation happened months ago, after Christian and I reconciled and he told me everything about himself.

However, ever since I met with that man, at every possible opportunity Dr Flynn's words are circling around in my head and something is bugging me about them and him. I can't seem to shake it and since Christian and I married it is still there in the back of my mind niggling at me. Something just doesn't feel right. It is driving me insane which I find ironic considering the man is a psychiatrist but I find myself reliving that session I had with him and constantly going over what was said. I examine other parts of what he said to me, about how he admitted that they don't talk about Christian's past and how he is more concerned about his future and this SFBT therapy he seems to be pushing and it all just feels wrong somehow, but I have no idea why.

The reason I have no idea why is because I am no expert in this but as far as I can see and all my instincts tell me that Christian _needs_ to face up to his past and come to terms with it, not bury it and pretend it didn't happen as all his extensive issues can be traced back to that time in his life. Admittedly I believe Elena's influence over him made him even more fucked up but I also believe he wouldn't have been so vulnerable to her influence had he not had issues to begin with. I have no problem with the idea of him achieving goals to put him where he wants to be now, but the way I see it is he will never fully achieve those goals if he doesn't address and come to terms with everything that happened in his past as he will always have those triggers ready to try undermine what he manages to achieve.

Ever since I confronted Carrick and Grace, before we got married and I basically accused them of not doing enough for Christian as he was growing up it has led me on to looking at all the other influences in his life. I look down at my wedding ring which is sitting on my finger next to the engagement ring Christian gave me that evening in the boathouse. I agreed to marry this man and as such I believe it is my place to want what is best for my husband and I am determined to try and get him proper help to heal him as much as I possibly can.

I know I can't leave this any longer as I feel I have wasted enough time already, we have been married just over a month now and it's been like a rollercoaster ride, and then it finally hits me, that is why this won't leave me alone. Like my issues with what Carrick and Grace did (or didn't) do for Christian I am having the same concerns about John Flynn and the more I see of Christian's behaviour the more I question just how much John actually helps him.

After I returned to Christian after the belt incident, he opened up and told me everything and it was at that point I realised just how woefully let down he had been all his life. I had then made an appointment with John Flynn as at that point I was reeling from the revelations and I needed someone to help me make sense of them. But the more we talked that day the more questions filled my mind and it was that meeting which along with what Christian had told me that brought together all my suspicions and theories which culminated in my confrontation with Carrick and Grace. Elena is no longer an influence in his life after it all came out that night about her so now the only other questions I have left are about John Flynn and Christian himself.

I know I need to talk to someone, I need to find out if I am totally wrong about this or if my instincts about John Flynn _are_ correct and he is basically just fleecing Christian and not really helping him at all.

He has undoubtedly helped Grace and Carrick since I confronted them but I think he had no choice but to do any other, with Grace being in the medical profession she would spot a charlatan a mile way and so he has helped them come to terms with the guilt they are now feeling as to their role in Christian's childhood which I had so bluntly pointed out. As a result of the joint sessions they had with Christian, he is now much closer to his parents and it is wonderful to see him let them in rather than keep them at arm's length and always push them away, and on our wedding day it brought tears to my eyes to see him hugging Carrick properly albeit slightly awkwardly. However, despite the excellent work he has done with Grace and Carrick I truly believe John Flynn could've done more for Christian in all the years he has been seeing him.

I understand more than anyone that Christian is wilful and stubborn and he doesn't like to be told what to do, everything is so black and white to him and if he feels he is being threatened he just digs his heels in and kicks against it and in some ways is his own worst enemy but if John is unable to get him to look his life objectively and get the progress then he clearly isn't a good fit and shouldn't be continuing to take his money and he shouldn't be treating him.

As I am thinking about all this my attention is drawn to movement in the room and I see Christian walk into the bedroom behind me through his reflection in the mirror and I look at him through it and he grins at me.

"You look deep in thought baby" he says as he comes up behind me and gently kisses my neck.

"I am" I say quietly, but I am also not ready to divulge to him what those thoughts are. I am still fiddling with my wedding ring and Christian notices this.

He frowns and pulls over a stool and sits beside me, taking my hand in his. I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes.

"What's wrong baby, you're not thinking of leaving me are you?" he asks, he is trying to sound flippant and as if he joking but I know that comment is hiding a very real fear and a lot of anxiety.

I smile reassuringly at him, "Not happening" I say firmly and I watch him almost sag with relief at my words.

"Good" he says simply.

I hand him my hairbrush, he loves to brush my hair and I know this will make any lingering anxiety dissipate. He takes it and standing up he runs it gently through my hair.

"You missed your calling as a hairdresser" I say sardonically.

I hear him snort, "I don't think Franco has much to worry about" he says dryly.

"How long has John been your therapist?" I ask casually and I feel the brush pause for a moment.

"Erm… I'm totally sure, about six/seven years I think or maybe a bit longer. It was shortly after Elena and I ended when I started seeing him" he says.

"And you and Elena ended… when?" I ask.

He pauses again, "I was 21 when her husband found out about us and our physical relationship ended" he says, he waits for a moment "What is this about Ana?" he asks slightly defensively.

I shrug, "Nothing, I've just been thinking back over our rollercoaster of a relationship and I got to the part after I came back to you and you opened up and told me everything and I went to see John. I was just thinking about something John said that time when we talked and I just thought I'd ask the question" I say. I know I'm rambling, I'm trying to reassure him that I'm not leaving him and as a result I am probably making things worse.

I feel his hand stop again and he almost freezes with fear.

"What? What did he say?" he asks and I inwardly cringe as I hear the unconcealed panic in his voice.

I quickly arrange the words in my mind so I don't give away what I am thinking about, "Nothing bad, he just made a comment. He just said that I had made more progress with you in the short time I have been with you than he has made in the last two years, and I wondered how long you had been seeing him in total… that's all" I say.

I feel the brush start to move again and he is seemingly happy with my answer.

"Oh I see" he says simply.

A plan starts to form in my head, but I realise that first I need to educate myself on mental health before I start asking questions and potentially making myself look an idiot.

Now the light bulb has gone on in my head and I realise why I am obsessing about John and his role in Christian's therapy I also realise that I think there is much more going on with Christian than he is prepared to acknowledge. I realise now that my first thoughts of multiple personality's were wrong but I know in my gut something isn't right and I want Christian to get the proper help he needs and the more I think about it the more I really believe that Dr Flynn is not giving him that.

"There baby all done" Christian says which pulls me from my thoughts and he kisses me again before burying his nose in my hair and inhaling.

That is something which I have noticed seems to calm him as though the apple smelling shampoo triggers something positive in his mind.

"Why do you do that?" I ask before I can stop myself and I feel him freeze.

"Do what?" he asks.

"Smell my hair" I say.

He smiles and runs his fingers through my hair, "The smell of the apples it reminds of happy times in my grandfathers orchard when I was a boy" he says fondly and I look up and see he has a faraway look on his face as though he is remembering.

I turn to face him and urge him to sit down next to me, "Tell me about it" I say.

He sits down and I take his hand, "When Grace and Carrick adopted me and we moved to Seattle I was introduced to my grandfather – Theodore Trevelyan. You have to understand I wasn't talking and at first I was scared, suddenly there was this strange man who as far I was concerned could potentially hurt me. But I slowly came to realise that he was safe and that he wouldn't hurt me. As my confidence grew that he wouldn't hurt me he started getting more and more involved and then on one visit he took Elliot and I to the orchard to pick the apples and showed us how to select the ones to pick and to put them in the basket. It was nice, I enjoyed doing it… I remember it was the first time that I had been there and didn't feel scared, no… not scared, apprehensive about being there. After that he also showed me how to graft one type of apple tree to another. I love my grandfather and my time there and it is one of my happy childhood memories, visiting Gramps and going to his orchard and picking the apples. It was one of the first times in my life I felt I was somewhere safe and… happy. Your shampoo, the apple smell it brings back those good memories and as a result it has a calming effect on me… when I start to panic".

My heart nearly breaks that I had made him panic and I could kick myself for doing so. I listen to him talking with such obvious affection and I reach for him and pull him close and reassure him once more that I'm not going anywhere and in that moment I silently vow that I am going to do everything I can to try and help heal this man and help him come to terms with past and vanquish his demons and not try and bury them.

"I love you" I whisper and I feel him tighten his hold on me.

"I love you too" he replies.

**oooOOOooo**

The next day I am still going through everything and working things out in my mind and I make a decision. I have been doing some research on the internet and my initial findings have pointed to anxiety and lingering PTSD from his early childhood and that gives me a starting point and this particular starting point also makes me know exactly who I am going seek advice from.

When I am on my lunch break I pull my purse from my drawer and leave the office, I tell Claire that I am going for lunch and that I may be gone slightly longer than an hour as I am meeting someone. I watch Luke immediately take notice of that as he stands up and smiles at me.

"I'm going to visit an old friend of my dad's" I say before he can ask me who I am meeting and Luke nods and pulls out his phone but I place my hand on his to stop him.

"Please don't tell Taylor, because he will tell Christian and then he will get all over protective when he looks into this man. But I assure you he won't hurt me, he was in the military with my dad and he has known me all my life".

Luke hesitates and frowns, "Why will Mr Grey get all over protective?" he asks.

I sigh, "Because this man has a history of mental health issues from his time in the military, he saw some dreadful things and he had to deal with PTSD but he is doing really well now though and I just wanted to see him and talk to him. As I said he is an old friend of my dad's and he is like an uncle to me" I say.

"What is this man's name?" Luke asks.

"Reuben" I say with an affectionate smile, but I am careful not to divulge his surname in case Luke decides to go ahead and call Taylor.

Luke thinks for a moment and then nods, "Alright, I'll trust your judgement on this. However, if I believe that you are in any danger I will pull you out and I expect you to cooperate, as it is my job to keep you safe" he says firmly.

I nod, "I understand and you have my word" I say.

I go to the little gym which Reuben runs along with a couple of other ex servicemen and as soon as I open the door he looks up and a wide grin fills his face and he walks towards me. I take a moment to really look at him. He looks well, really well. His brown hair is well cut and shiny and his brown eyes no longer have that haunted look in them, his face has filled out and no longer looks gaunt and ill.

"Well, well, well… look who the wind brought in!" he says as he pulls me into his arms and lifts me off my feet, making me giggle.

"Hi Reuben how are you?" I ask and he grins at me.

"I'm doing well" he says simply and I know that encompasses much more than just his physical state at this moment.

I pat his arm as he looks past me at Luke and frowns.

"Reuben, this is Luke Sawyer he… protects me" I say with a shrug.

Reuben looks at me closely, "Ray told me you had taken up with a rich guy… does he treat you right?" he asks simply but I don't miss the underlying menace in his tone.

I nod, "He does, he treats me like a queen and I love him, which is the reason why I am here. Is there somewhere we can talk?" I ask.

Reuben frowns and nods and then turns and points towards a small office, "we can go in there" he says.

We go to the small office and after a few rather heated words with Luke he sits down outside while I go in and shut the door.

I sit down on a battered old sofa and Reuben sits beside me, "What's all this about Annie?" he asks.

I smile; he is the only person aside from Ray who calls me Annie. I look down at my fingers wondering where to start.

"You know… how when you left the military you had… issues" I begin and I watch as Reuben stiffens slightly.

"Yes" he says.

"Who did you see to help you? Who helped you come to terms with it and deal with it? I ask because you have really turned things around and so I assume it was someone really good" I ask.

Reuben looks closely at me and hesitates a moment before fetching a small card and handing it to me. I read it and see the name Alexandra Murphy and a phone number.

"That woman saved my life, she was kind but firm. She didn't put up with my bullshit and she challenged me, it was fucking hard at times but she got me to face up to shit and as a result she got me to a good place which I honestly never thought I'd see again. You know how I was after I was discharged, I never ever want to be that man again" he says adamantly.

That sounds like everything I need to hear but I need to be totally sure if I am going to broach the idea of her seeing Christian. I will not have anyone who doesn't have his best interests at heart. "She is good… reputable and will definitely help?" I ask and Reuben nods.

"What's this about Annie?" he asks.

I sigh and quickly but vaguely outline Christian's issues stemming from his childhood abuse. Reuben frowns.

"Nobody ever helped him overcome his phobia?" he asks and I shake my head.

"And he still has nightmares about that time?" he asks and I nod.

"When I leave him he has nightmares. He says he feels safe with me and as a result the nightmares don't happen but even if I just get up in the night and somehow he subconsciously realises I am not there beside him they can happen. He went away on business a week or so ago and I stayed here in Seattle and I got a call in the middle of the night from him because he had a nightmare and he needed to reassure himself that I was safe".

"I don't understand, I thought they were nightmares about his childhood?" Reuben asks.

"They are sometimes… he sometimes dreams of the abuse that man put him through, but when I'm not there they appear to have evolved into something different, you see he told me that he dreams of the time he was left with his dead mother, she was dead on the floor from an overdose but in these dreams it is me he sees lying dead on the floor and it got him in a state that I was not safe and that I was gone" I say.

"Sounds like PTSD and anxiety stemming from his abuse and losing his mom when he was a kid, but it also sound like abandonment issues which could point to something much darker and complex, doesn't he see anyone to help him?" he asks.

I nod, "that's the thing, he does and that's why I'm here because I really don't think his current therapist is doing enough for him and from what he told me he had a revolving door of therapists as a kid and he said once that he had been subjected all the different therapies that were going" I say as Christian's bitter words fill my mind… '_Baby I've been subjected to them all. Cognitism, Freud, Functionalism, Gestalt, Behaviourism… You name it, over the years I've done it_'.

"So…?" Reuben asks in confusion.

I sigh, "As I say, I don't think his therapist helps him… In fact I would go as far as calling him an expensive charlatan. I think he is just stringing Christian along, Christian is very wealthy and I believe he is to put it bluntly, fleecing him. He is taking his money and not really doing anything meaningful to help him" I say and I feel much better for saying it out loud.

"Have you talked to him about this?" he asks and I shake my head and look down at my fingers.

"What is it Annie, there is something you are not telling me?" he asks.

I bite my lip "Look, I have already called his parents out on what I saw as their negligence I don't want to drop this on him so soon afterwards, we have only been married just over a month plus I could be wrong. I want to make sure of my facts before I do say anything. I love him so much and I really want to help him and I know he has issues but I believe most of those issues stem from what he went through before he was adopted, and I just don't think his therapist is doing enough" I say.

"You didn't answer my question" Reuben states.

I rub my hand over my face, "Look if I tell you it _has_ to stay between you and me" I say and Reuben looks at me incredulously.

"Annie how long have you known me? I am feeling insulted that you actually said that" he says.

I reach out and touch his hand, "I'm sorry, I'm getting as paranoid as Christian, but I'm just trying to protect him" I say.

Reuben's eyebrows rise, "paranoia eh? Ok what else?" he asks.

I sigh, "He is really mercurial and his mood swings give me whip lash. I am walking on egg shells around him a lot of the time I am scared that I am going to set him off, and if I do say anything I watch him carefully as I know that there is the chance that it could go either way. He gets really angry at times not violent but he shouts and he sulks. He has real difficulty dealing with emotions, and it's like he has spent most of his adult life trying to avoid them… but that is a whole different can of worms which we won't go into at this point". I say as I think about the harmful influence Elena had over him, I pause and take a deep breath before I continue.

"So when he has to face them they just overwhelm him and he ends up acting out. He feels everything very deeply. I know he loves me and he has such a big heart and so much love to give, but he is so intense and that love he has for me makes him act crazy at times. He is so over protective of me and possessive, he has a jealous streak a mile wide. But he is incredibly loyal and I know that he would do anything for me, and would try and move heaven and earth just to make me happy, and with his resources I have no doubt he probably could. He has this constant fear that I am going to leave him… which I didn't help as at one point I did just that. He worries about me; my safety is his paramount concern as he has this all consuming need to keep me safe. He has an unbelievable sense of self loathing… it's more a hatred of himself. He just cannot see what a lovely man he is and when I first told him I loved him he actually told me I shouldn't love him and he tried to push me away. In fact when we first met he was attracted to me but he was so conflicted, he actually pushed me away and told me that I shouldn't get involved with him while he was trying to pursue me. He feels unworthy of people's love and for many years he also kept his family at arm's length. His relationship with them was quite strained when he became a teenager as he started to spiral out of control as he tried to deal with his issues and then puberty as well and it all became too much for him to handle and he started drinking and brawling, but he got his life back on track and now he has to have complete control over everything. He almost closes himself off and wears this mask all the time, like he's showing the world a version of him which he wants them to see. Like an acceptable version of himself. The ruthless, cold and aloof CEO but the _real _Christian, the man I love isn't like that at all… he is totally different, he is a warm, generous and loving but very complicated man".

I stop talking and wait and Reuben just stares at me his mouth hanging open, "Annie this man sounds severely disturbed" he says eventually and I stare at him shaking my head.

"No" I say firmly.

"Annie listen to me, what you have just described are the classic signs of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, I know this because my mom's sister had it after being abused as a kid and she was completely off her rocker… remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?" he says and I nod "Like that!" he says.

I shake my head, "No, Christian isn't like that" I say adamantly.

Reuben nods, "just Google it Annie" he says simply.

I shake my head, "I came to you for help and going on a snapshot of what I have said you are saying my husband has a personality disorder" I say and Reuben nods.

"Amongst other things, I would say he has PTSD and anxiety as well" he says firmly.

I am beginning to wish I had never come here now and I realise that I have put Christian in a very vulnerable position. I think quickly and step outside to Luke who immediately stands.

"I don't suppose you have an NDA on you do you?" I ask.

He nods and reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a number of folded up pieces of paper and I sigh gratefully.

"Thank you, can I have one please?" I ask and he pulls one away and hands it to me.

"Is everything alright Mrs Grey?" he asks warily and I nod.

"It will be once I have got Reuben to sign this" I say and I go back inside.

Reuben stares at me incredulously and shakes his head, but he signs it which I am more than relieved about.

"Thank you for seeing me" I say eventually and Reuben smiles and he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and scribbles a number down on it before handing it to me.

"If you need me, you call me" he says firmly and I nod and push the number into my pocket.

He reaches out and touches my arm, "Just Google Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder Annie, I'm not saying it to be cruel, I'm saying it because I recognised everything you just described and I worry about what he could do to you, these people are manipulative and narcissistic and sometimes just downright dangerous. I promise I won't say anything to Ray as long as you promise me that if you need me you will call me".

I bite my tongue and nod as I decide that I will do it just to prove him wrong. "Alright I promise" I say stiffly.

I step out of the office just as the front door swings open and Christian strides in, closely followed by Taylor who looks questioningly at me. I glare at Luke who just shrugs and looks unrepentant.

I reach for Christian and bring his attention to me as he glares menacingly at Reuben, "Christian what are you doing here?" I ask.

"Looking for you, Sawyer called Taylor and said that you asked him for an NDA, what the hell is going on Ana?" he spits. I look at him and see the fear and panic in his eyes and I reach up and moving slowly and decisively I place my hand on his chest over his heart.

"Calm down Christian, I just came to see Reuben. He is an old friend of my dad's from his army days and I've known him all my life, he is like an uncle to me. I came because I needed some advice about some things which were bothering me and I knew Reuben would be able to point me in the right direction" I say.

I watch as he takes a deep breath in, "You're leaving me" he whispers and I roll my eyes.

"No, Christian I'm not and as soon as I get the answers I am looking for I will sit down with you and I will talk it over with you, I promise but I can't tell you yet because I don't know myself" I say.

I turn towards Reuben who is watching Christian closely. "Reuben this is my husband, Christian. Christian this is my friend Reuben".

Reuben steps forward and holds out his hand and Christian shakes it.

"Pleased to meet you" Reuben says stiffly and Christian just nods.

I look at my watch and pulling away from Christian I embrace Reuben, "I need to get back to work, thank you for seeing me and for the advice" I say warmly and Reuben embraces me tightly.

"My pleasure Annie, and remember what I said" he says meaningfully and I nod.

I feel Christian pull me back towards him and out of Reuben's embrace. "I'll take you back to work baby" he says.

The drive back to SIP is awkward. Christian is driving the car I arrived in with Luke, forcing Luke to ride with Taylor in the car behind. Waves of fury and fear are rolling off him and I know he is totally over thinking this and coming up with every worst case scenario there could possibly be.

"Ana, my imagination is running away with me at this moment and I need to know why you went to see that man" he says eventually.

And there we go, he has just admitted exactly what I was thinking. I take a deep breath, "Reuben was in the military with my dad and he was in a dark place when he came out, he nearly ended his own life due to PSTD. I have a lot of questions which I need answering" I say.

Christian frowns, "do you need another appointment with John, because all you need to do is ask" he says immediately.

I snort rudely, "I don't think so…" I hesitate and try to be more tactful as I try to explain myself.

"Look, I am questioning a lot of things at the moment and I am doing so because I love you and want what's best for you and if I am totally honest it was my last conversation with John… it is him… it was what he said that made me have these questions" I say as I cringe at how all that came out.

I look at Christian and he is like a coiled spring and I know I need to reassure him as he is now turning everything I have said around in his mind and probably coming up with something totally different.

"Listen to me Christian, I didn't agree with some of the things he said during that meeting we had and as a result of that I did some research and although I am not an expert in any way shape or form PTSD describes some of your issues to a tee, for example your nightmares and your touch phobia. So I went to talk to Reuben to get some advice on how to try and help you, because I am your wife Christian and as such it is my place to give you all the love and support I can and try and help you get the best help you possibly can". I stop before I tell him my views on John and wait for him to respond.

He glances at me and I see him physically relax and he smiles at me before returning his attention back to the road. After a moment he speaks and his voice is quiet.

"I really don't deserve you" he says almost to himself.

I reach out and place my hand on his thigh, "Don't say that, you _do _deserve to be happy and for some reason you believe your happiness lies with me so I am just doing all I can to make sure I keep you happy" I say.


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter deals with the symptoms of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder) and I have used what E L James wrote about Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey and also in Grey – FSOG as told by Christian to come to these conclusions.**

CHAPTER 2

Later that evening I go to the library where Christian has set up a desk and computer for me so that I can work on manuscripts as well as do any other tasks. Christian has vanished into his study to work and so I take the opportunity to look up Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder so that I can prove Reuben's theory wrong.

I know very little about this in fact all I know is the name is a replacement for the outdated term Borderline Personality Disorder and that is why I am so keen to disprove this as I cannot reconcile the man I know and love with what little I know about _that_ particular disorder. The negativity and stigma that surrounds it is unreal and sufferers are portrayed as monsters in films. I recall Reuben's less than flattering remarks and I know in my heart Christian isn't like that.

I Google the term and I am left speechless and I quickly establish that this is a disorder which you really don't want to Google as the negativity that surrounds it is quite astounding. Eventually after I have spent what seems like hours and trawled through endless negativity I find some helpful and quite positive videos on YouTube which talk about it and I find some quite positive articles but it took some digging. As I read though I start to feel more and more uncomfortable as instead of disproving Reuben's theory, the more I read it sounds like they are describing Christian. My first instinct is to shut it down and forget it but that wouldn't be helpful. The whole reason I am doing this is to help Christian and how can I do that if I am also going to be swayed by the stigma and prejudice that surrounds this disorder. I take a deep breath and continue to read.

I find a site which deals with mental health disorders and as well as laying out the specifics of the different disorders out there it appears to be where sufferers themselves talk about how they deal with their diagnoses and many topics are covered here not only in the Mental Health field. Another helpful site was a British mental health charity and their website explained the disorder and listed the symptoms. It appears that there are nine of them and you only need to have five to be officially diagnosed. This made me pause, surely if that is the case then there can be many people out there diagnosed with the same disorder and yet displaying a totally different set of symptoms? This urges me to read more and I start to make note as I am doing so.

I read through the notes I have made and what I have written describes Christian.

The first thing that strikes me is the prejudice, I am shocked as to the level of stigma that surrounds this disorder even amongst those who are supposed to help, many can and do respond negatively to sufferers with health professionals and therapists sometimes going as far as to refuse to treat people with this disorder. This doesn't fill me with confidence if Christian is diagnosed with this disorder is he going to struggle to find someone who will actually take the time to help him?

I read that they consider sufferers to be attention seeking and manipulative, dangerous and narcissistic, and that makes me recall Reuben's words from earlier he had said just that. The more I read the more I realise that is a very damaging and incorrect stereotypical view. I think about Christian and his deep seated fears and issues and I realise that the reality is that although some of the characteristics _can_ come across that way to others, it probably isn't intentional. I continue to read and educate myself and to start with I look at the concept of sufferers being manipulative as that was how Reuben described them and I have never really felt that way about Christian so I am certain I can at least debunk this part and I am determined to do so. Yes he tried to persuade me to be his sub but that was something else entirely and so I dismiss it for now as I read I realise the perceived manipulation refers to supposed emotional blackmail.

It appears to refer to when a sufferer self-harms and/or threatens or attempts suicide. Now I haven't experienced this with Christian, he hasn't threatened to kill himself if I leave him and as far I know he hasn't thought of suicide and he doesn't self harm either, but the reasons behind it are all too familiar. I read they are not meaning to be manipulative but they are consumed with fear and self hatred coupled with other extreme emotions associated with this disorder and in some cases they are feeling the equally overwhelming feelings of emptiness and hopelessness where they genuinely believe it would be better if they die. Then I stop and think, all the times he has begged me not to leave him. I think of one particular occasion after my confrontation with Carrick over the pre-nup and I had brought up the subject again with Christian and I had offered to sign one and he had told me that if I left him I may as well take everything. I had been shocked by that and although I didn't see it as him manipulating me some people could interpret that as him doing so.

The dangerous part is down to the explosive tempers some sufferers can display and are unable to control making them react, sometimes violently to negative situations and I hesitate and I read that again and I have to reluctantly admit that this sounds more like Christian and I also recall his brawling as a teenager where he couldn't control his temper and now how he is more often than not angry at something. It is either at me or at a situation and I recall his long list of temper tantrums that I have witnessed since I have known him. I read that this is because there is no rational mediocre reaction to any situation for someone suffering with this disorder; every reaction is an over-reaction because they feel so deeply and profoundly and I pause, now _that_ sounds like Christian. I read that everything is extreme as the sufferers are controlled by their out of control emotions rather controlling them and some sufferers find it hard to find socially acceptable coping mechanisms to deal with these sometimes completely overwhelming surges of emotion. I swallow hard as I think of his years as a Dominant taking out his anger against his birth mother on brown haired girls. I can also see why he believes that Elena helped him now as he was spiralling out of control as a teenager. He was drowning in his emotions and feelings and the way he saw it was she offered him a viable alternative and helped him to establish some sort of control over himself. It also explains and accounts for his need to have total control, if he feels as out of control in his mind as this suggests then I can also see why he feels he has to have total control over his surroundings and I reluctantly realise that to him when he handed over control of his life to Elena at fifteen and became her sub it was probably a relief for him to do so. I recall him telling me how his whole life came into focus at that point and it all falls into place but because he was a child he didn't see the fact that she was in reality abusing him and all she was doing was creating further issues for him to have to deal with. I read that many resort to unhealthy copying mechanisms such as self harming or substance abuse and I immediately recall how Christian told me he started drinking as a teenager and again it all seems to fit.

In that moment I also realise that BDSM became his main coping mechanism. It gave him an outlet for his anger and issues towards his birth mother, it gave him the opportunity to engage in sexual relationships without the fear of being touched and as far as he was concerned it gave him control albeit superficially as if any of the girls he took as subs decided to screw him over despite the NDA's they had signed there was really nothing he could do to stop them.

Finally I read that the label of narcissism is completely incorrect, it explains that a narcissist is a person who believes they are better than everyone else and everyone else is beneath them whereas an Emotionally Unstable (or BPD) sufferer is totally the opposite. They believe they are not good enough and worthless. This halts me in my tracks as I read that and I take in a sharp breath before I swallow hard and blink back the threatening tears as I think of Christian's monumental self hatred. As I feel tears continuing to build I force myself to continue to read. I read how it has been proven that a narcissist lacks feelings of empathy for others whilst it is well documented that due to the extreme abundance of emotions BPD suffers endure they are known to be very empathetic people and 'in tune' to how others 'feel' and I think of Christian how he has become so astonishingly successful because of his ability to be able to accurately read people in the business world. But then I pause and think about how he _does_ lack empathy, as I recall when I asked him what he would do if someone did to his child what Elena did to him and he couldn't even visualise that concept.

Then it hits me with the force of a wrecking ball, as I think about what John said to me and his words go through my head, and it all makes complete sense he said '_Emotionally Christian is an adolescent he bypassed that phase in his life completely_' and why did he bypass that stage? He bypassed that phase because Elena was manipulating him and forced him to suppress his emotions and behave in the way he did, first by making him her sub and making him give up all control to her and again when he decided to become a Dom. When I met him he came across as unfeeling, arrogant, detached and emotionless and that was because _she_ moulded him to be that way. She trained him to be a Dom she gave him her traits and forced him to suppress his natural empathy for people. It leads me on to think about how he cared about Leila when she was sick. If he had no empathy for her he wouldn't have got her the help he did because he wouldn't care about her well being and he wouldn't have looked after her the way he did that night – or bathe her and physically care for her. I quickly pull my thoughts away from that time as it still hurts a little to remember it.

I read that most professionals agree that in some cases trauma can play a key role in disrupting the emotional development of the person with this disorder and due to this, when someone with this disorder is behaving badly it's not that they're failing at using their coping skills effectively – it's that those skills may never have developed at all, due to the fact the sufferer endured something negative during their formative years which conditioned their brain to react in this way. My mouth drops open at this and I lean back in my chair unable to breathe for a moment and then I read it again and the final part of the puzzle of the way Christian is the way he is all falls into place. I continue to make notes as I want to be totally prepared when I talk to Christian about this and show him what I have found; but the main thoughts going through my mind at this moment are, why the hell didn't John pick up on all this? If it is so blatantly obvious to me a person with no training whatsoever in this field why on earth did it not raise any red flags with him? Someone who is supposedly trained to recognise this?

I decide not to jump to conclusions until I have read the full list of symptoms as if Christian doesn't display them… or enough of them then he wouldn't be officially diagnosed, but from what I have read so far it all sounds pretty compelling. I go back to the website the British charity which deals with all sorts of mental health issues and I read what they say about the symptoms and I find myself ticking them off as I read them.

The first one is '_Extreme Emotional Mood Swings'_ it says that this includes explosive anger, and monumental over reactions to seemingly innocent situations, moods changing from moment to moment going from elated to devastated and back again in the space of a few moments. Well, I can't argue with any of that as my first experiences of Christian's mercurial behaviour led me to believe he had some kind of multiple personality disorder as his moods could change so rapidly and significantly. So that is a definite yes, so that is one.

The next one is '_fear of abandonment'_ and I swallow hard as I read it as I know I don't even have to read the description for it as Christian's profound abandonment issues are more than familiar to me but I do continue to read and read how the fear of abandonment can be so great that sufferers often push people away first to avoid being abandoned or hurt, sometimes causing the very thing they fear the most. I close my eyes as I remember how Christian was appalled by my declaration when I first told him I loved him. I also think about how he kept his family at a distance for years and how he told me that he ended contracts with his subs the moment they wanted more with him. I think about how when I asked him to show me how bad it could be and he agreed… was he trying subconsciously to push me way then? Then going right back to the start how he was attracted to me and pursuing me and yet he also insisted that I shouldn't get involved with him and he tried to end things before they even began that day when I was almost run over by the cyclist and he saved me only to tell me that I should steer clear of him and that he wasn't the man for me.

The next one on the list is '_Splitting_' I frown as I have no idea what that means and so I continue to read, to learn more. It says that it is the inability to see the dichotomy of both positive and negative aspects of our thoughts. That means nothing to me and goes totally over my head so I carry on reading to try and understand what it means and as I read the next sentence where it says that there is no grey area in some sufferers minds and everything is polarised it hits me. Everything is either all good or all bad – there is no middle ground. It says that the official psychological term is 'splitting' although it also may be called _either/or_, _love/hate_, _us/them_, _all-or-nothing_ and most commonly, _black-and-white thinking_. I pause as I think of Christian and the way he thinks, how it is right or wrong. Everything is his way or the highway and how he finds it hard to compromise as sometimes he just can't see another way than the one he believes is the right one and I acknowledge that yes this is another trait Christian displays. I go on to read that splitting is not unique to this disorder alone. Most people will experience splitting sometimes, but with this disorder those who display this particular trait don't have the ability to do any other and splitting happens the majority of the time. I read how 'splitting' often occurs within personal relationships with others where a person can be loved and adored one moment and hated and reviled the next and I pause and think how Christian can come across as so cruel and heartless at times especially when he gets angry and he says some very cutting remarks and can do some very hurtful things.

The next one on the list is '_self loathing_/_hatred_' and I close my eyes briefly as I know I don't have to read any more about this one as once again I am more than familiar with Christian's negative views of himself. We are currently four for four and if I am totally honest it is upsetting me, not because the more I am reading the more I am being proved wrong but because Christian has never received the real help he deserves to deal with this very complex disorder.

I get a little bit of hope with the next one as it says '_a profound sense of emptiness and suicidal thoughts and attempts'_, as far as I am aware Christian isn't suicidal and doesn't feel empty, but I make a mental note to ask him at some point.

The next one is '_impulsive and self destructive behaviour'_. This one makes me hesitate and I think about it for a moment. Well… Christian is certainly impulsive, I smile as I think how he first asked me to marry him only weeks after we met, I also think of how he told me how he made the snap decision to quit Harvard and start his own business which left his parents reeling. So I acknowledge that is a yes, but not to a significant degree not as much as some of the others. I think about the self destructive behaviour and it gives some examples. Driving erratically – no definitely not, he has too many safety concerns to do that. Overspending – oh… I pause as I think of his over generous nature and how he insists on spoiling me and the rows of designer clothes he bought me not to mention the crazy spending spree he insisted we went on before we went on honeymoon. How he overpaid me for Wanda and despite my protests he keeps pouring money into my bank account. I reluctantly acknowledge that could be construed in this way. Sexually promiscuous behaviour - I hesitate again, Christian has a monumental sex drive and it is obvious he uses sex as a coping mechanism and to express himself so I reluctantly acknowledge this could also be a yes to a degree. Self-harming and mutilation – no absolutely not, substance abuse – that's another no as he is totally anti drugs after what happened to his birth mother but then I think back to his teen years and how he started drinking and acknowledge that he may not display that kind of behaviour now but he has done previously and then finally it lists eating disorders – now Christian has issues with food, but I wouldn't consider it a disorder. He gets upset when people don't eat and he despairs at me for my eating habits and he hates to see food wasted but he doesn't over eat and he certainly isn't anorexic, but there were a number of yes's amongst those other behaviours listed.

I move on to the next one, it says people with this disorder can have an _Unclear or Unstable Self-image_ and are sometimes called 'chameleons' as they behave in a way to suit their surroundings and the people they are with at that point resulting in them not really having a clear identity and I immediately think of the mask Christian wears the majority of the time and how he portrays himself to the outside world as a cold and ruthless person when in reality he is totally the opposite.

I let out a small snort as I read the next one, which is '_Paranoia'_. It says that sufferers find it hard to trust and when a sufferer encounters stress they can become paranoid and I think of how paranoid Christian becomes when his worry over my safety gets out of control and when he thinks I am going to leave him and also when he believes other men are hitting on me, I also think about his stalking tendencies and I realise it is always when situations are out of his control and he feels threatened and feels a higher degree of stress.

The final one is '_dissociation and psychosis'_. I read how sometimes when a sufferer gets too stressed their minds can just check out and they shut down and sometimes in extreme cases they can lose all sense of reality. My eyes widen at this and I am more than thankful that I can say a definite no to that one.

I quickly add up and out of the nine symptoms I discover that Christian displays six to a significant degree and one is a maybe depending on how you interpret it. If I can recognise all these with no training whatsoever then how the hell has John missed them?

I quickly close down the internet browser as I see the door open and Christian walks in.

"Here you are, I'm sorry I was so long but I'm finished now" he says as he walks towards me. I look up at him and touch his face. I love this man so much and now I have this information I am going to do all I can to try and help him manage and deal with it.

"Christian can I ask you a question?" I say I watch as he frowns at my tone and then nods.

"Of course you can baby" he says.

I take a deep breath, "have you ever… I mean… oh shit this is hard, with your issues and how hard things were for you… did you ever think of giving up… just ending it all?" I ask and I watch as his eyes widen and he stares at me.

"Are you asking me if I have ever been so low and so desperate that I was suicidal?" he asks carefully and I nod.

"Why? What has brought this on?" he asks suspiciously.

I swallow hard and try and think of a plausible explanation for my question but I can't think of one so I decide to come clean and explain everything. I lead him over to the sofa and take his hand in mine.

"I have good reasons and I will tell you but first will you answer my question?" I say.

I watch as he hesitates a moment and then nods in agreement before he lowers his head and shuffles uncomfortably and a cold unease fills me as I watch his reaction.

"Christian?" I say carefully.

"Yes" he mutters so quietly I barely hear him and my hand immediately reaches for him.

He looks up at me and his expression is bleak, "when you left me, I felt so empty it was awful… as I told you when we got back together. That entire time you were gone I felt as though I was in perpetual darkness and I did get to the point of utter despair, but just once. One fleeting thought crossed my mind that now I didn't have you I didn't have anything to live for. I considered killing myself but instead I put my efforts into winning you back".

I feel gutted to hear this, that he felt so low and so desperate that he considered killing himself. But then I realise what he has just said ticks another box on the list of symptoms.

"How? Did you just think about it in the abstract or did you get as far as planning it?" I ask, while not really wanting to hear the answer.

He smiles sadly at me, "It was a moment… just a second really, it was shortly after you left I had trouble sleeping and this particular night I was just lying there staring up at the ceiling and I could smell your scent still clinging to my bed sheets. I pulled the pillow you used and smelt it. I took in your scent from it as I was missing you so much and for a brief second I contemplated suffocating myself with it".

My heart breaks for him, he has never really revealed how he felt during the time we were apart and I am only now realising how desperate he got.

"Oh Christian, I'm so sorry" I whisper and I reach for him.

"Hey, stop it. It was a second if that and I pulled myself together and decided to try and win you back, and I did… you came back to me" he says as he looks at me with so much love I feel my breath catch.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Christian watches me carefully and then squeezing my hand he moves closer to me and lifting his hand he caresses my cheek.

"What's all this about baby?" he asks.

I take a deep breath and smile reassuringly at him, "Let me get my notes" I say and I pull away from him.

I go to the table and pick up the notepad with all the scrawled notes I have made on Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder from the research I have done along with the list the of the symptoms and how they relate to Christian and how I have related them to the way he behaves I pause I think about what I have written these are my own thoughts of how they relate to Christian, but I decide I need to be honest about this and before I can over think it anymore I go and sit back down beside him.

"What are those?" he asks as he eyes the papers.

"This was unexpected, but it explains everything and also confirms for me something which was bothering me" I say.

Christian leans back and crosses his legs so one ankle is resting on his knee. He has his eyes firmly fixed on me and I take a deep breath as I start to explain, I want to explain the background of this and how I got to this point before I hit him with these notes.

"After I talked to John Flynn that time, do you remember after we first got back together and you told me everything?" Christian nods but doesn't say anything and so I plough on.

"That was when then the questions started forming and things really didn't add for me then after that night where I laid into your parents about how they failed you when you were growing up, I just kept having more questions. I needed to find some kind of answer to the thoughts I was having and so I did some research on my theories and what I came up with only made me question things even more. It all came to a head today, and I needed some advice and that is why I went to see Reuben as I knew he would be able to point me in the right direction, because he has personally dealt with… stuff and he did help he agreed with some of the theories I had but then he also made some comments which left me with even more questions. Now after researching even more I am feeling totally out of my depth and I don't want you to get mad or upset but I need you to know I did it for you… because I love you but I don't want you to think that… I... I mean…" I stop and cringe inwardly at the rambling tumble of words that I have just spewed from my mouth which didn't really make any sense at all.

Christian looks at me with more than a little confusion, "Ok baby just take it from the top, what were the questions you had first of all?" he asks gently.

I rub my face with my hand and take a deep breath, "it was something John said during our meeting, when I went to talk to him after we got back together. He said that he wanted you to focus on this SFBT therapy and not deal with everything that had happened to you previously, that is how I interpreted what he said. To put it bluntly I didn't agree with his thinking, I know I'm not a qualified professional but the way I see it is… I… I just thought that was an odd way to do things. You see, I think… the way I see its… it is a fact that you can't fully heal unless you acknowledge your past and come to terms with it so you _can_ move on and heal" I say.

I watch his reaction and he doesn't say anything but he nods as though he agrees with what I am saying which gives me confidence to continue and I lean forward.

"So, going on that line of thinking, that raised a few red flags for me. But then he said that your past had been picked apart by numerous health professionals before him and that raised even more and I started to question everything because the way I saw it is all these health professionals had picked apart your life and as a result knew why you were like you are and yet it appears not one of them including him had ever bothered to actually help you overcome any of the issues you were dealing with as a result of it" I say.

Christian smiles sadly and then shrugs, "It's not that simple, I can see what you are saying and technically speaking you are correct but I wasn't the easiest patient and as you pointed out to my parents, I didn't trust these people so there was no way I would co-operate fully with them" he says with obvious embarrassment.

I lean forward and squeeze his hand reassuringly and I nod, "I get that, but you saw them when you were a kid and didn't know any better, but you started seeing John when you were an adult. You were 21 years old – the age I am right now. You can say you were difficult and I can quite believe that but surely if he, and the others for that matter were worth anything at all as therapists they should've handled it better than they did and John in particular should've at least tried to challenge you to think of things in a different way?" I say.

Christian looks shocked at that and he doesn't say anything so I continue.

"So, moving on the next question that arose for me. After you told me everything and what I have seen with my own two eyes I had this theory… your nightmares and your touch phobia I figured that what you were suffering from was something like PTSD, and so I looked it up and researched and it all kind of fitted. From what I read I also figured that the way you behave was down to anxiety, which was triggered by the PTSD. Now I know that I'm not a therapist and don't claim to be one and I have no place or business diagnosing you from what I read on the internet... but then I thought that if it all seemed so logical to me a lay person with no professional insight… why the hell wasn't John at least looking into it and helping you with it? Why wasn't he coming up with things to help you deal with it rather than being more interested in just shoving it under the carpet?" I say and Christian's eyes widen at that, but he still doesn't say anything.

"That was why I asked you how long in total you had been seeing him" I say carefully and I see as he starts to join the dots as to what I am getting at and trying in a roundabout way to say without actually saying it.

"You believe he really could be just an expensive charlatan?" he says eventually.

I sigh with relief when I realise he has grasped what I was hinting at and I nod, "Don't get me wrong, he has really helped with Carrick and Grace and their guilt after I opened my mouth and accused them of not doing enough, but on other things I think he has been severely lacking… it's almost as if…" I pause and shake my head and Christian looks at me and he reaches for my hand.

"What baby, what do you think? Tell me, I trust your opinion more than anyone else so just tell me what you think" he says.

I bite my lip and decide to go with blunt and to the point as there is really no polite way to put it, "I think John looks upon you as his meal ticket. You are obscenely wealthy, so he is happy to keep stringing you along and fleecing you, while not really doing much at all. I'm guessing he charges more than normal to see you in the evenings and more when you ask for emergency sessions… am I right?" I pause and look at Christian questioningly and he nods.

I shrug, "He knows he is on to a good thing, he also knows that you are stubborn and strong willed and that you dig your heels in if you don't like something, so he just lets you do it but the way I see it is it is his job not to just go along with that but to challenge you to try and see a different perspective on things… do you see what I am saying?" I say.

I watch as Christian nods and I watch as his hands ball into fists. He has that damned impassive mask firmly in place but his body language is giving him away. He is completely silent and I know this has probably upset him as he trusts John and to hear that I think he has taken him for a ride obviously has to hurt.

I reach for his hand and after a moment it slowly relaxes and he takes mine in his and I squeeze reassuringly.

"I wasn't going to say anything until I had it all straight in my mind. I didn't want you to think I was jumping to conclusions. That is why I went to see Reuben today. You see Reuben had really bad PTSD after he was discharged from the military and it nearly killed him. He was suicidal, he was haunted by memories and nightmares of the things he had seen. Admittedly it was a totally different scenario to what you were dealing with but he managed to get a really good therapist who helped him… and I mean _really _helped him and as you saw today he looks like a healthy man and I assure you he is a different man now to who and how he was. I wanted to talk to him about you, first of all to see if my theory about you was correct. He agreed with me and he also asked why nobody had helped you overcome your phobia and helped you deal with your nightmares before now and that is what I have been asking since I voiced that very point with your parents". I pause and let all that sink in and let Christian process it before I hit with the biggest revelation.

After a moment I grip his hand tightly and take a deep breath, here goes nothing… "He gave me the name and number of the lady therapist who helped him. He also figured out I was hiding something and not telling him everything and so he dug a bit. That was when I got a NDA from Luke and I told him about _all _your other issues. It was then he got worried and basically told me some things which made me quite angry. He told me to Google it and I decided I would do so just to prove him wrong… only after I Googled it and read about it, I realised it proved him right – but his attitude on the matter is very, very wrong based only on superficial and stereotypical negativity". I hesitate and realise that I am rambling again and Christian is once again looking more than a little confused, this is so hard, I'm not even sure I am doing the right thing here.

"What did he say?" Christian asks after a moment.

I decide the best thing to do is show him and after taking another deep breath I hold out the notepad and Christian takes it from me and opens it, his eyebrows rise and his jaw drops and he begins to read and I see the self loathing and shame start to consume him. I reach for him to reassure him.

"Stop it Christian, stop it right now. If this is correct you have a complex disorder which _can_ be helped but you need to find the right therapist. I can't believe after reading about it that it all seems to fit but I say again I'm not a qualified professional and I'm certainly in no position to diagnose you after reading stuff on the internet but from what I did read from reputable sources it does all seem to fit and if all this is so obvious to me why on earth hasn't John identified any of these things and done more to help you?" I say.

Christian doesn't say anything but continues to read until he has read everything and then he looks up at me a bleak expression on his face.

"Are you going to leave me?" he asks and I stare at him incredulously.

"Christian, I am doing all this because I want you healed I want you to have closure on your past and gain some kind of inner peace, because you deserve it. I want the husband I know you can be but you can only do that with help, help I believe you are not currently getting from John. I am doing this because I love you and I want what is best for you and I want our marriage to be successful… I want happy ever after" I say.

I watch as he thinks about that and nods, "this therapist that Reuben recommended… do you have the name?" he asks and I nod and I rummage for the card Reuben gave me. When I find it I hand it over and Christian looks at it.

"I'll get Welch to look into her" he says after a moment and I nod, I expected that and I take it as he is positively thinking about this. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, as he is taking this far better than I ever thought he would. I was expecting tantrums, anger and a meltdown of epic proportions, and I am not too sure how to handle how he is reacting at this moment.

"Ok" I say and I wait for him to continue as I know that he has more to say.

"What do I do about John?" he asks and it kills me to hear the pain in his voice as he says that, but I also hear the controlled fury and I realise that he is trying not to lose it.

It makes the protective anger rise inside me and I reach for Christian and grip his arm. "Well first of all John Flynn is going to get a piece of my mind" I say grimly and I watch as an amused smile pulls at Christian's lips.

"But before I do that we are going to get you set up with a better therapist someone who can really help you meaningfully and not just go through the motions" I add.

Christian shakes his head sadly, "It appears that if all this is correct I am already a lost cause" he says bitterly.

I close my eyes as I hear that, he has fallen into a pit of self loathing and I know I have to pull him out. I move towards him and pull him into my arms.

"Don't you dare say that, as that is not true. Yes you need to help yourself to a certain degree. You need to co-operate with your therapist and not be stubborn about things and you need be open to new ideas which maybe different from yours. But you can do this, and I know it is going to be hard for you to do but I will be beside you every step of the way. I believe that if you revisit your childhood and acknowledge it and work through the issues of that time, come to terms with them and lay them to rest once and for all it will be an enormous help. Once you have taken that step we move on to the next one which is dealing with this disorder which it appears you have as a result of those childhood issues. I have read that Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is really good for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and helps sufferers manage the symptoms and some of the behaviour they display and in some cases helps the sufferer overcome them. I have read in some cases it has been so successful that some people no longer meet the criteria for the disorder after engaging with this therapy, so it has to be worth a try… don't you think?" I ask carefully.

Christian nods, "yes I'll do it" he says firmly.

I look at him carefully, "But who are you doing it for Christian?" I say.

"You of course" he replies without pause and he is surprised when I shake my head.

"No, first and foremost you need to do it for you" I say.

**oooOOOooo**

**(CHRISTIAN)**

I have no idea what to say or do; my mind is whirling with everything I have just read. I am trying so hard not to lose all self control at this moment. The discomfort I felt as I read Ana's notes, I wanted to throw them back at her and I wanted to tell her that no this isn't me, I am not like that. However, I can't as if I am going to be totally honest with myself and with her it appears she is spot on.

I have never felt so worthless in my entire life, I have heard of this disorder and my only fear now is that Ana is going to leave me and I wouldn't blame her. Who in their right minds would willingly stay with someone like me? She has reassured me that she is going nowhere and I'll try and believe that for now.

As Ana was voicing her questions about John Flynn I realised very quickly that I agreed with them. In fact I often got frustrated by the lack of progress and that is one of the reasons why I kicked back and dug my heels in, refusing to take his therapy options seriously as deep down I knew it was pointless. I am no expert but I know me best and I always felt that I had too many issues to just try and paper over them. I wonder if I would hate myself as much as I do if any real attempt had been made to help me overcome them as the way I see it is they believe as much as I do that I am past saving and a lost cause. It hurts though to hear that I put my trust in a man who was just using me for my money. I have no doubts in my mind that Ana's theory about him is correct, she manages to read me like a book and she was right about my parents so I am prepared to believe what she thinks about John. I am angry at myself for letting that happen, I am normally such a good judge of character and yet he pulled the wool over my eyes completely… but then again he is therapist it's his job to be able to get into people's heads.

I close my eyes and try and sort through my whirling thoughts and emotions. I am feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I'm trying not to show it or fly into one of my usual tantrums as I don't want to give Ana any excuse to leave me. I think about everything she said and then it hits me, she really does love me. She wants what is best for me and wants me healed and whole. I will do it there is no question about that, I will do whatever it takes as I will do anything to keep her as I need her more than I need to breathe.

She has just told me I need to do it for myself and already I have that little voice in my head telling me I'm not worth the time or effort. So I will let her think I'm doing it for myself but the only motivation I have to put myself through this is… is Ana.

I feel the need to get away and process all this and I look at the notebook in my hand that Ana gave me and I look up at my wife who is watching me carefully almost warily.

"What are you thinking?" she asks me gently.

"I… I'm not sure to be honest, this has come as quite a shock" I say.

She nods at me and pulls me into an embrace. "You need time to process it, so you do what you need to do and I will be right here waiting for you if and when you want to talk about it" she says.

I close my eyes; I really don't deserve this woman. How could a complete fucking asshole like me ever manage to hold on to someone so pure and good? The fear streaks through me again that one day she is going to realise I am not worth her time and energy and I feel the anger building as a result of that fear and I pull away from her. Her eyes widen and I immediately feel ashamed, she is only trying to help me. Oh fuck what the hell do I do? Normally at a moment like this I would call John. I let out a bitter snort and Ana is watching me and I'm sure she wondering what the hell is going on with me at this moment, but so much is going on in my head I can't verbalise it. I'm feeling bombarded with thoughts and emotions some of them conflicting and I can't tell her how I am feeling as I really don't know myself. I close my eyes and I feel my hands ball into fists again. Ok Grey get a grip and for fucks sake don't lose it. Oh fuck it I can't.

I open my eyes and they meet Ana's and I see the love and concern and it nearly tears me apart.

"I need… I need… OH FUCK THIS!" I shout and without another word I snatch up the notepad and then turn and walk out of the library, slamming the door behind me.

I go to my study and slam that door and then I start pacing, I feel my control evaporating and I know I need to get a grip and quickly. I read Ana's notes again and decide that yes, there is no arguing with anything she has written and she is spot on with her observations of me and as I read them that just makes me feel even more shitty and I wonder what on earth she sees in me. I grab the decanter of bourbon and taking the top off I put it to my lips and start chugging it back. The warmth of the bourbon soothes for a moment and I close my eyes as I feel it going down my throat and into my stomach. Then I take a deep breath and put it down, if I get wasted I won't be able to sort through this but another part of me wants to do just that; to sink into blissful oblivion. I have not felt as out of control as this since I was a teenager and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I try and identify exactly what it is I am feeling at this moment, I am so overwhelmed by it all. Ok come on Grey pull yourself together and get a grip.

Right then, hurt and betrayal I feel hurt and I feel betrayed by Flynn. Which also makes me feel angry, so fucking angry I just want to go to his office right now and punch him in his fucking face. I take a deep breath and stop. I can't do that… well… not yet anyway. FUCK! I just feel so out of control, I can't deal with any of this I pace some more as my hands grip at my hair. I want to scream and yell, I want to hit someone until they feel as bad as I do.

"FUCK… GOD DAMN IT!" I yell out loud.

My anger bursts and I pick up the decanter and throw it across the room and watch it smash against the wall and I sink to my knees and rub my face with my hands. I shouldn't have done that, the shame at losing my control fills me and I shake my head.

What the fuck am I going to do? I feel the despair wash over me and the fear the cold consuming clawing fear that I am going to fuck this up and ruin Ana's life and she is going to go, I can't let her leave me… that is my biggest emotion at the moment, fear pure and simple. I don't give a shit about me but Ana… Ana is everything she is my world and my reason for living. She gave me hope when I had none, she made me believe I could have a chance of more and she gave me more… she gave me everything, so if she were to lose faith in me and decide to cut her losses then my life would be over.

The thing is I have no idea what to do; I have no idea how to deal with this. I can't throw money at it; I can't just demand it goes away. I can't pass it on to someone else to deal with, this one is down to me to fix and I don't have the first idea how and that fucking scares me.

I swallow deeply, maybe I should just do the right thing and let Ana go? Maybe I should offer her a separation. I don't want to but I can't in good conscience make her stay with me, not now that I know all this. It will be best if I do it, she will have a chance at a better life with someone who really deserves her and if I end it then it's on me and I know it's selfish but it won't be as painful for me to deal with it knowing I was the one who ended it. I don't want to but if she decides to throw in the towel and left me again I wouldn't survive it. I barely did so last time but if I end us, if I have control over the separation and that would be better. But I love her and I don't want to do it, I need her… oh fuck I have no idea what to do, I feel lost so fucking lost right now.

"FUCK!" I yell again.

I take a deep breath as I feel myself losing control once more. I don't want to break anything else or make any more mess. As I try and pull myself together I hear a knock on the door I look up.

"Yes" I call impatiently and the door slowly opens.

I see Taylor standing there looking at me carefully. He steps inside and closes the door but he doesn't come any closer.

"Yes Taylor" I say again and I watch as he shuffles uncomfortably.

"I've been talking to Mrs Grey she has shared with me what she has shared with you and I thought I'd just come to see if you were ok, but if you want me to leave I will do so. I understand that I am overstepping the mark but I just wanted you to know that I get it… more than you will ever know... I get it" he says and with that he turns to leave.

"WAIT! Taylor… Jason…" I stand up and I see him staring at the wall where I smashed the decanter and the bourbon stain on it and I feel the embarrassment and shame of my actions.

"I'll clear that up, Gail doesn't have to" I mumble.

I gesture to the sofa and he moves silently toward it and sits down.

"What do you mean you get it?" I say eventually.

Taylor takes a deep breath and clasping his hands in front of him he begins to speak.

"I saw many men break in the military. PTSD, anxiety and depression were the main ones and I always suspected… when I first started working for you and witnessed your night terrors and when you told me about your haphephobia, I knew something was going on with you. Mrs Grey has just shared with me all her suspicions and she has told me everything that she told you and if I was to be totally honest with you… well… I did have my own concerns at times with Dr Flynn. He crossed the line too many times for my liking he seemed to go into the realms of friendship rather than maintaining the doctor/patient relationship; and I did wonder if he was doing everything he could for you as in all the years I have been with you there didn't seem to be any improvement… that is until Mrs Grey came into your life. So, after what Mrs Grey has said tonight it has confirmed for me those suspicions I had" he says.

I snort, "and you never thought to share any of this with me before" I say bitterly.

I watch him smirk, "and would you have listened?" he asks.

I cock my head to side acknowledging his words, "touché" I say simply.

Silence spreads out between us and eventually I take a deep breath and look up at Taylor.

"What the fuck do I do Jason?" I ask.

He takes a deep breath and looks at me as though he is assessing me.

"If you want my opinion what I would do if I was in your position, is face up to it and deal with it, that sounds easier said than done and trust me I know, it is. I do have some idea… I had my own issues after I left the military nothing on the scale of what you are dealing with but I had my fair share of mental health demons that played with my mind. I tried to dismiss it and I tried pretend it wasn't happening and that is the worst thing you can do, you have to face up to it and deal with it because if you don't it just gets worse. I only faced up to it when it cost me my marriage and my daughter" he stops and shakes his head.

I sit in silence hanging on his every word, I had no idea and I have no idea what to say to him but I'm curious.

"You got help though?" I ask.

He nods and smiles, "yeah, I did. I was diagnosed with depression and I got help and sorted myself out, I know that I'm one of the lucky ones I never had to deal with PTSD" he says.

I shuffle closer, totally engaged in what he is saying, "do you think there is any hope for me?" I ask.

He smiles at me, "Yeah I do, but you have to realise that you need to help yourself to a degree, a therapist can only do so much for you. You need to take the tools they offer and use them, having said that though… in my opinion, up to now… from what Mrs Grey told me you have been at a disadvantage as nobody has ever bothered to give you the tools to begin with".

I listen and nod in agreement, he is talking so much sense and it is helping to clear my blocked and confused mind.

"What do you think I should do?" I ask hopefully.

He smiles at me again, "First of all you should listen to Mrs Grey, that one is a given as she wants what is best for you she always has. That is her primary concern. I would certainly say get yourself a new therapist and make sure you keep the communication flowing, let Mrs Grey know how you are feeling. She is going out of her mind with worry at the moment wondering if she has done the right thing by telling you" I open my mouth to protest and he holds up his hand.

"I get why you shut yourself in here, you needed to process everything and you felt out of control, but don't shut yourself away for too long, as she needs to know how you are doing" he says.

I nod and wait for him to continue.

"You need to reassure her that she has done the right thing by sharing all this with you. In my opinion this is the best thing that could've ever happened, yes it feels pretty shitty at the moment and it makes you think you are broken, but… yes you have issues, that is glaringly obvious to anyone who gets to know you and to those who don't, you _can_ come across as…" he trails off.

"An asshole?" I offer and he smiles at me.

"You said it sir, not me" he replies.

I let out a small snort of laughter at that.

"Seriously though, having said that I wouldn't have stayed all these years if I didn't personally like you, because I believe that underneath it all you are a good man and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character. Mrs Grey feels the same way, and that is why she is doing all this. That is why she called out your parents, that is why she agreed to marry you and that is why she is asking questions and digging and making a fuss because she believes that is what is best for you… it won't feel like it right now but she is in this for the long term. She is looking at the bigger picture" he stops and waits for my reaction to that.

Ana's words that she wants happy ever after go through my head and while I feel as though I am just going to let her down and that her faith in me is misplaced and that I'm not worth her time and effort. I realise that I owe it to her to make the effort to at least try, considering the effort she is putting into me.

I realise that Taylor is talking again and I return my attention to him.

"You know you can count on myself and Gail we have both known you long enough. I don't want to overstep but you do know Gail kind of looks upon you in a motherly way don't you?"

I swallow hard; it is really difficult for me to hear this, as I had no idea that my staff held me with such genuine affection when I can be such an asshole at times.

"No, I didn't know… I had no idea" I say quietly.

Taylor stands up, "I'll leave you alone now" he says gently.

"Jason… wait" I call and he pauses.

"Thank you" I say.

"No problem sir" he replies with a nod and I watch as he leaves the room.

I actually feel a little bit better now. Talking with Jason has helped and although I am shocked that both he and Gail actually like me, I realise that makes me feel oddly… happy. I stand up and go into the kitchen where I find Gail she turns and smiles at me.

"Erm… do you have a cloth or something… I've made a bit of a mess in my study" I say apologetically.

I watch as her gaze softens and I realise she must have heard me having my tantrum.

"Don't worry Mr Grey as soon as you are finished in there I'll go and sort it out" she says kindly.

"Thank you Gail" I say quietly, "I apologise for making you more work, I'm going to find my wife now" I say.

Gail nods and I turn and leave the room, as I do so a thought hits me what if I do have this personality disorder thing that will change everything, they may like me now but when they find out just how fucked up I am that will change things, won't it? I need to find out and instead of going to Ana I search for Jason once more.

I find him in the security room and he looks up and quickly stands as I walk in.

"I need to know one thing" I begin and he nods giving me his full attention.

"If Ana is right… If I get a new therapist and I do end up being diagnosed with this Emotionally Unstable Borderline thing… that changes everything doesn't it?" I say.

Jason's eyebrows rise and he gestures to the seat in front of the security desk and I sit down. He looks at me carefully.

"Can I speak freely?" he asks and stare at him wondering what he means especially after the conversation we have just had, but I nod.

"Yes" I say.

"You are being ridiculous now… sir" he says bluntly and my mouth just drops open.

He grins at me and takes a deep breath, "How long have I worked for you? I have seen many things I can never unsee in that time with regard to your private life, I have witnessed your temper, your mood swings, your over reactions to innocent situations, your demands and your stubbornness. But despite all that I have stayed because underneath all that I know you are a good man; so why should you receiving a label which explains why you behave the way you do at times make any difference to me… sir?" he says and he grins at me again.

"Well, thank you… I think" I say and I feel an amused reluctant grin pull at my own lips.

"You are welcome sir. Seriously though it makes no difference to me, I know it will make no difference to Gail and it will certainly make no difference to Mrs Grey" he says.

I nod and stand up I hold out my hand to him and he accepts the handshake.

"Thank you… I'm going to find my wife now" I say and I feel slightly more positive about this now.


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHORS NOTE: We have a little time jump now, because I think things were getting a bit too heavy and deep in the last chapter. I am happy that I portrayed what I wanted to show, and that was Ana telling Christian about her theory on Flynn and why she went to see Reuben but I also wanted to convey her concern about sharing the information she had discovered about the mental health disorder with Christian and then his reaction to it. I hope I managed to portray and get across the overwhelming plethora of emotions and intense almost 'drowning in thoughts and emotions' feelings a sufferer with this disorder goes through at times and how the individual tries to deal with it as it is happening to them. I am skipping over Christian meeting his new therapist and their sessions and just talking about it as now I am showing how Christian is now rebuilding and engaging fully now that he has a therapist who is really helping him through Ana's observations of him and this chapter deals with the showdown with Flynn where Ana gives him a piece of her mind.**

CHAPTER 4

**(ANA)**

_Three months later…_

I look at Christian and I marvel at him. These past three months haven't been easy for him but he has fully engaged in everything that has been thrown at him in that time. I was more than a little worried that night I laid it all out for him and I thought he took it really well until he took himself off to his study and there was shouting the sound of breaking glass and when I heard it I was worried that I had made the wrong decision so I had gone to Taylor and confided in him what I had done and he had assured me that he believed I had done the right thing and he said he would go and make sure Christian was ok for me.

I have no idea what was said between them that night as Christian has kept that to himself, but when he eventually came to find me he reassured me that he was ok and I had done the right thing by telling him and he also thanked me for caring about him enough to do so.

He had been on a mission after that, he had contacted Welch and given him the name of the therapist that Reuben gave me and asked for a full background check and after Welch came back with not only a clear background check but also a stellar success record we made an initial approach to her. I was also positively reassured to read that she is sympathetic to sufferers of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and isn't a therapist who is swayed or negatively influenced by the stereotypes of this particular disorder so upon hearing that I hoped fervently that she would be a good fit for him.

Best of all after meeting with Christian and me, Christian felt really positive about her and said he believed that she could really help him and she has agreed to take him on as her patient, but Christian hasn't seen John Flynn in person again since that evening when I voiced my opinions about him. I was so happy and not to mention relieved when Alexandra agreed to take Christian on as her patient although she prefers to call him her 'client' rather than patient as she is confidently hoping to eventually get him to a place where he no longer requires any intensive therapy a goal which I am certain John Flynn never had. I can tell Christian is impressed by her and her approach which seems to really work for him. His response to her and their first few sessions was really positive and he seemed enthusiastic and energised to be there and eager to share with me how well he had felt things had gone, which was in stark contrast to the sullen almost closed off manner he seemed to always adopt after a session with John.

I was secretly pleased and felt vindicated when he told me that she appeared to agree with my thoughts and observations and that she has also echoed my views that his road to recovery needs to be done in stages and that he won't get anywhere without facing up to and dealing with his early childhood. He has told me that she had said that she understood that and acknowledged that when he was a child he probably didn't feel safe in the therapists environment to fully engage with them but he said that she had also hinted that as he got older that although he was also clearly a stubborn ass at times more could've been done to help him.

She has given him a lot to think about in the relatively short time she has been seeing him and she said that when she is confident that he is in a good place with his childhood only then will she move on to dealing with the rest and she also said that she believes that him coming to terms and dealing with the issues surrounding that time in the formative years of his life is vital as it could possibly also help to ease some of the symptoms of his personality disorder, but she has also warned him that facing up to everything that happened to him at that time and reliving it will probably exacerbate them in the first instance as he tries to make sense of everything and deal with it when he relives that time.

She has told him in no uncertain terms this is _not_ going to be a quick fix or an easy road, but he has assured her that he is in it for the long haul and will do whatever he needs to do. She is starting out slowly and she decided that her first task is helping him overcome his haphephobia completely as he has already made a great deal of progress with this as he now also tolerates his family's touch. She believes that this will help with the anxiety he admitted to feeling when he is at functions and galas as he is always on alert for people who accidentally touched him. The therapist believes that his love for me and the fact he craved my touch made him more receptive to the touch of his family and she is pleased that he managed to make that step more or less on his own but she was also surprised that not more was done for him when he was child when it became apparent that he tolerated Mia's touch. She has commandeered me to help with this process as well especially in situations when I am with him at public functions.

It has been decided that she will see him at a set regular set time each week, which immediately he likes and with his control issues he feels comfortable with. He is totally engaged with this and he is working hard with the exercises she has set him to do and the small goals she gives him to reach each week. He has commented more than once that John had never done anything like this with him. I have seen a massive change in his behaviour already, not big fundamental changes or breakthroughs but lots of little things which have added up and made a difference and so I am quietly optimistic for more good things to come. One comment he made regarding his new therapist just made me angry, as he remarked how he was surprised at how reasonable her fees were compared to John and the fact she doesn't charge him more for seeing her after official office hours.

Now that he is settled and established with his therapist and she appears to be a really good fit for him and he is making real progress for the first time in his life, I feel it is now time to give John the piece of my mind which I have been itching to do ever since I realised just how little he has done for Christian all these years and I really don't want to leave it any longer as I believe it is long overdue.

I had heard that he wasn't happy with Christian's decision to leave him. Christian had mentioned it as apparently Alexandra had called John asking for Christian's notes and introducing herself as his new therapist. According to what Alexandra had told Christian that telephone conversation hadn't gone down well and at first he was reluctant to pass on his notes to her citing he needed Christian's consent to release them due to patient confidentiality. Christian had sent him a letter giving that consent and yet he still hadn't done anything until Christian had called him and demanded that he release the notes or he would sue him. I am sure he didn't want her to see how little he had done for him in the time he had been seeing him. However, he did it… eventually and although it took him nearly three months to do it as it was only recently that Alexandra informed Christian that they were now in her possession and I did wonder if he had spent that time altering anything or trying to make it look as if he had done more for Christian than he actually had but as soon as that was complete and it was established that all the notes were now safely in her possession and John Flynn no longer had any link with Christian I decided that now was the time to make a final visit to see John Flynn and tell him exactly what I thought of him.

Christian knew that I was going to do this and he insisted on coming with me, I think he just wanted to witness me calling John out as he has admitted to me that he likes it when I get protective over him. He said he feels cherished and then he also admitted that he finds it incredibly arousing as well.

Christian had told me that John's last official appointment of the day ended about 5pm and so I decided to show up shortly after that time to confront him about his own wilful negligence as I wanted to make sure he was still in the building when I arrived.

As we approach the offices I see a light on and I know that John is still there. I arrive hand in hand with Christian and I look up at him, I am so ready for this moment as what I want to say really needs to be said. When we open the door and walk in we almost walk into John's secretary as she is leaving and she beams at us.

"Oh, hello Mr Grey… Mrs Grey, I didn't realise you had an appointment with John tonight, he is on his own in his office, so just go straight through" she says brightly.

I find that interesting, that he had never told his secretary that Christian was no longer a patient of his. He is letting people believe he is still treating Christian.

"Thank you" I say and we move inside the familiar office. I voice this thought to Christian.

"He is still letting people believe that he is still treating you" I murmur.

Christian snorts, "I think the fact I haven't been here for over three months should soon make them realise that isn't the case" he says.

I open the door without knocking and John immediately looks up, he looks surprised but quickly composes himself and smiles and he looks genuinely pleased to see us but I am certain that feeling won't last too long after I had said what I am planning to say. He glances at Christian and greets him with a nod.

"Christian, Ana. What a surprise and how lovely to see you. Were you looking for an appointment?" he asks hopefully.

I snort rudely and shake my head, "after my last appointment with you I won't be seeking your counselling again" I say dryly.

I watch as his face drops and the smile vanishes, he is now on alert and he stands up.

"What is this about?" he asks as he looks from me to Christian and back again.

I take a step closer and look at him, while Christian moves in front the door effectively blocking his exit.

"Can I ask you a question John?" I say simply and he nods.

"Of course you can" he replies albeit slightly nervously.

"Are you _really _a fully qualified psychiatrist?" I ask and I see his eyes widen and he splutters in indignation at the insult.

"I… I have never been so insulted in my life, what sort of question is that and what is this about?" he says.

I smile sweetly at him, "the reason I ask is, after our little session a few months ago your comments left me with more questions than answers and so I decided to do some research. That research raised even more questions which led on to even more research and then that opened up a whole new can of worms and led to even more questions. Questions that if were you truly a qualified psychiatrist you should have picked up on years ago when Christian first became your patient" I say.

"I can only work with what I am given, if Christian failed to share with me I am unable to fully assist as I am being handicapped, I am a psychiatrist not a mind reader" he blusters. I realise from that defensive excuse he knows we are on to him and his lack of meaningful assistance.

I shake my head, "You don't need to be a mind reader but I'll come on to that part in a moment first of all I want to take this back to the first questions that arose for me and the fact it was your own comments which made me first question things John, words which came out of your own mouth that first raised red flags for me".

I watch as his eyes widen and I can almost see him wracking his brain as he wonders what he said to me and I smile sweetly at him once more.

"Let me refresh your memory for you. You said and I quote '_There is no point breast beating about the past – that has been picked over by every physician, psychologist and psychiatrist Christian's ever seen. We know why he's the way he is but it's the future that's important. Where Christian envisages himself, where he wants to be. It took you walking out on him to make him take this form of therapy seriously. He realises that his goal is a loving relationship with you. It's that simple and that's what we are working on now. Of course there are obstacles – his haphephobia for one_' end quote, now Dr Flynn did you or did you not say that?" I ask coldly.

"I did" he says simply and I nod.

"Ok, so let's take this comment and break it down one issue at a time, my first one and probably the biggest one of all is that as far as I can see Christian _can't_ fulfil that brief of where he wants to be until he deals with his childhood and the issues that arose from it because no matter how much he tries to focus on the future, the issues he has from what has happened in his past will always trigger him and his demons will always make a reappearance until his past is dealt with and he comes to terms with it" I say and I watch John swallow hard at that.

"Yes… but…" he begins, and I hold up my hand to silence him.

"Secondly, you said we know why he is the way he is… that infers to me that you could plainly see the way he behaves now, you could see all the things he does and his raft of issues, so as I previously said you don't need to be a mind reader as Christian is an open book. Now you say you are qualified psychiatrist so surely you could see all those characteristics, and the behaviour that Christian displays are, when examined closely symptoms? More specifically symptoms which point to a complex personality disorder, namely Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or if you prefer Borderline Personality Disorder… are you familiar with that particular disorder?" I ask facetiously and John just glares at me.

"I'll take that as a yes but just in case you are a little unsure I'll run through the symptoms with you and you can see if you recognise any of them with regard to Christian" I say and I hold up my hand and touch each finger as I list them.

"His abandonment issues, his monumental mood swings, his impulsive and sometimes self destructive behaviour, his black and white thinking, his self loathing – I think you even mentioned that particular one at the time we talked when you called it his morbid self abhorrence, his paranoia…" I hesitate and in a quieter voice I state the last one, "and the fact at one point he even felt suicidal" I say. I feel Christian's hand touch my shoulder as I say it and I reach up and squeeze his fingers gently before I return my attention back to John.

"So answer me this John, if you saw all those traits in Christian and _knew_ that they were a list of diagnosable symptoms for a complex mental health disorder why on earth did you not help him or if you were unable or unwilling to why didn't you refer him to a therapist who could?" I say.

I take another deep breath and before John can answer I continue, "and while we are at it, in that meeting you also talked about his haphephobia and his parasomnia, you mentioned them as obstacles to him managing to do your SFBT therapy so if that was the case why weren't you helping him with those either? Why didn't you offer him some sort of assistance to overcome his phobia because it can be done because he is doing it right now and why didn't you offer him some sort of assistance for his nightmares, help him talk about them and deal with them and with the underlying fears that caused them to reoccur? Because until those issues were dealt with properly and examined and he came to terms with them there is no way he can focus on the goals for the future without them cropping up and screwing things up for him". I pause and John is just staring at me his mouth is hanging open and he is shaking his head.

I smile at him again as I continue to push the knife in, "and so having said all that it doesn't take a genius to figure out _that _is probably the reason why he didn't take that form of therapy seriously as even he could see it as a complete waste of time because it would be fruitless if the underlying issues he struggled with were not addressed and dealt with. So I ask you again John; if I can see all that, if Christian can see that and incidentally if his new therapist - who surprise, surprise _is_ working on helping him come to terms with his formative years and the abuse he endured during that time, his nightmares and his haphephobia, could see that then why couldn't you… or maybe you were just wilfully negligent?" I say simply.

John just stands there opening and shutting his mouth like a goldfish he hasn't said a word once or even tried to defend himself but I'm not done.

"Don't worry there's no need for you to answer that because I can tell you why you didn't help him John. I know exactly why you didn't deal with it and only offered him some half assed treatment. You did it because you saw Christian as your meal ticket. You didn't see him as a patient who you needed to treat and heal. You saw the billionaire and you saw dollar signs. You forgot you were there to help him as all you were interested in was making him your main source of income and you just didn't want that to end. What was it you said once…? I think it was at Christian's birthday party… yes it was, as it was shortly after he had his accident and you said and I quote '_glad you are still with us Christian. My life would be most dull and penurious without you_' you made it sound like a joke – in my opinion a pretty sick one but that is the real truth isn't it? Your life really would be penurious without Christian, or more specifically without Christian's money. You were happy for him to go around in circles and not make any real progress because while he was seeing you, after office hours you could charge him more for doing so. While he was coming to you for emergency sessions when he had his meltdowns you could charge him more for doing so and that was what you wanted because he was providing you with money to facilitate your lifestyle and put your kids through college. You didn't want Christian to heal because if he did, you would lose a large chunk of your income. But what is really sick and disgusting is that you also wormed your way into his private life and so in some respects he also looked on you as a friend and so he overlooked sick inappropriate jokes like the one you made at his birthday party; which is also wrong as first and foremost you were a health professional who was engaged to help him and you catastrophically failed to do that" I say.

"I assure you I remained totally professional" he blusters.

My eyebrows rise at that, "Oh yeah? Really?! Well I've already mentioned your inappropriate sick joke at Christian's expense where you basically stated that if he had died your life would be dull and much poorer, and there was never a truer word spoken in jest. Then what about your presence at the Coping Together gala? Now before you say anything I get that you were there to support the charity and that is perfectly acceptable had you remained professional about it but you didn't. You acted as though you were his friend having an in joke with him when you bid against him at the Coping Together first dance auction and then you cut in for a dance with me, do you not see how that looked? Not to mention your comment about Christian that you made to me during that dance… and then as I have already said you also showed up to his birthday celebrations, for god's sake how in any way could that be construed as you being there in a professional capacity?" I say.

"I was invited" he argues.

"You could've said no!" I snap.

John looks at me as if I have just slapped him, and he doesn't say anything but there is nothing really he can say.

"What did he say about me?" I turn towards Christian who hasn't said a word up to this point.

"What?" I ask momentarily confused.

"When he danced with you… what did he say?" Christian asks.

"He started off very professional as he danced with me, he said that it was a party and that he was off duty, and he also said that he couldn't speak to me about you… but then he went and spoilt that professionalism when he went on to say that he would need until Christmas to do so".

"You could argue you led me to say that with your comments that all you wanted to talk about was Christian" John fires back.

I snort, "I'm not a psychiatrist, you are… allegedly" I retort.

I see Christian smirk at that and once again I am marvelling at his reaction to everything he has heard tonight as it can't be nice to hear how someone he trusted implicitly and knew everything about him was using him so blatantly but at least he is getting the right help now and that makes me smile sadly.

I turn towards John once more, "Do you want to know what the really upsetting thing is about all this, the fact that in the short time Christian has been getting the correct help, the help he needs to deal with and overcome his issues from before he was adopted… he has changed. I have seen profound changes in his behaviour on all levels and he is a much happier person now, and that is before his therapist has even started on the behavioural therapy for his personality disorder, all he has been focussing on up to now is dealing with his haphephobia and his parasomnia and the transformation in him has been profound. So your selfish greed and hidden agenda was stopping my husband from being healed and being truly happy and that is something which is totally unforgivable and I just hope that you can live with yourself and your actions".

I look up at Christian and I see a look of intense love and pride in his eyes as he gazes down at me.

"I'm done now, I've said what I wanted to say" I say to him and I reach for his hand and slip mine into it and I feel him grip my hand and squeeze it gently.

With that we turn to leave. "Wait!" John calls and we both stop and turn to look at him once more.

"What?" I say rudely.

"What happens now?" he asks vaguely.

I realise he is worried, wondering if Christian is going to sue him or something and I let out a bitter laugh.

"What's the matter are you scared Christian is going to expose you for the expensive charlatan you really are?" I say.

I watch him swallow deeply and I know that is exactly what he is afraid of.

Christian steps forward at this point and looks coldly at John, "I trusted you, I believed that you were helping me when all the time all you were doing is using me, stringing me along and just lining your pockets". I watch as Christian smiles, but it's not a good smile.

"I think your punishment should be that you will never know what I am going to do and when I am going to do it. I haven't decided yet what I am going to do and that is your punishment John the fact you don't know when the other shoe is going to drop, but trust me John one day it will. My new therapist has your notes and she was quite astounded by the fact you never even attempted to offer me any meaningful help on the issues I had and focused only on the SFBT therapy which would have been pointless in the long term without the resolution of my past".

He looks down at me "if it wasn't for my wife you would have continued letting me go around in circles and not make any real progress… was that your goal? Were you hoping that eventually I would destroy my relationship with Ana? Were you working towards a series of relationship mediation and couples therapy to make you even more money?" he pauses and I see the answer in John's eyes and I shake my head as I realise that was exactly his goal.

Christian also sees it and he nods, he hesitates a moment as if he is working out what to say next and then he squeezes my hand again.

"But my wife was too smart for you John; she had your number and was one step ahead of you right from the start. You were right about one thing though, the fact I made more progress with her in the short time I knew her than I had made with you in years and that is because she loves me, and she has my best interests at heart and she challenges me. She doesn't care that I have issues, she doesn't care that I am fifty shades of fucked up because she loves me regardless of that and that makes me want to be a better man, and overcome my issues. Not only for her because she deserves that… but for me too… because I deserve it too" he says.

I take in a sharp breath at that, I was never expecting him to say that and the tears are flowing freely now and my heart is bursting with pride that he finally believes he is worth something.

"I don't think there is anything more that can be said after that" I say simply, "other than you should be ashamed of yourself John, by the very fact that Christian has managed to come to that monumental realisation about himself after only three months of therapy with his new therapist when you saw him for seven years and failed to help him reach that simple realisation".

I look up at Christian, "I am so proud of you and I think our time is up here, we don't need to say any more so let's just go home" I say.

Christian looks at me and smiles, "yes baby, let's go home" he agrees.


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHORS NOTE: Well here it is the last chapter; it is a very short story at five chapters but considering it was only ever meant to be a one shot that is much more than I was first planning. Originally this story was meant to be more like Wilful Negligence and just Ana voicing her opinion and calling out John Flynn on his failings, but it quickly became apparent to me when I looked at what E L James wrote about Christian and his issues and what she wrote about Flynn himself that his failings were much more significant than first thought.**

**I hope that I have done this story justice. I know that it is deep and a heavy subject matter and as such I tried to keep it short as I didn't want to make it too heavy and too much but at the same time I wanted to try and address what is a very misunderstood mental health disorder without appearing to trivialise it for the sake of a story. **

EPILOGUE

_Three Years Later…_

I smile as I sit in the meadow at our beautiful home which Christian bought us and I contentedly rub my swollen stomach and wiggle my toes. My head is back and my eyes are shut as I feel the warm rays of the sun on my face. I am making the most of this incredibly good weather we have been getting for the past week. This has to be my favourite place in the world. I open my eyes as I hear carefree laughter and I look towards it. I see Christian running through the meadow chasing a small copper haired boy, who is squealing and laughing loudly. When he catches him he picks him up and starts tickling him.

I hear delighted shrieks of laughter and then I hear our son call out loudly.

"Daddy" he yells.

Christian stops the tickling and pulls his son close and hugs him, before swinging him up on to his shoulders.

I can't take my eyes off them. Christian is a wonderful father, I always had complete faith he would be but needless to say Christian himself wasn't so sure when it first became apparent I was expecting his baby. That had been an interesting time to say the very least. I had discovered I was pregnant shortly after our confrontation with John Flynn and Christian had gone into a complete meltdown about it. He managed to convince himself that there was no way on earth he could be a good father, but thankfully with help and patience from me and his therapist we talked him down and helped him to voice and then come to terms with his fears and his worries about it.

As I watch Christian now I see a totally different man to the one I first met. He _is_ a totally different man; he has managed to overcome his haphephobia. While he isn't a touchy feely man outside the immediate family he doesn't freeze or panic if strangers accidentally touch him, or brush past him. So as a result he is no longer constantly on edge at public events and he no longer has to have Taylor right next to him to stop any unwanted physical contact with people. Of course Taylor is still always there and on alert for any potential security threats but not quite as blatantly as he previously was.

When I became pregnant it also helped him come to many realisations about his relationship with his own birth mother. He learnt to forgive her and overcome the resentment and anger he felt towards her for what he always saw as her neglect. He has realised that she had her own set of problems and they made her as much a victim as he was, but sadly she just didn't manage to overcome and survive them. After he had that particular breakthrough, he had taken me to Detroit and we had visited her grave, where he had made his peace with her. After we returned from Detroit his therapist saw how much that visit and his new sense of peace as far as his birth mother was concerned had also helped with his anger issues in general and so she felt he was now ready to address the other issues in his life.

Getting him treatment with Dr Alexandra Murphy was the best thing that has ever happened to him. She is an amazing therapist and she manages to challenge him to see things differently and she gets the best results out of him by letting him come to that realisation by himself. Even I have had a number of sessions with her as when Christian's food issues were addressed he had commented on my poor eating habits and how I so easily skipped meals and how much that worried him. She had offered to help me resolve the issues I had with food which I realised were rooted in my less than stable relationship with my mother. She had always picked fault with me growing up if I ate crap and told me repeatedly that I would get fat and she had always criticised me whenever she did see me if she thought I had put on weight and subconsciously I had developed an unhealthy relationship with food as a result.

We heard that John Flynn had closed down his practice and left Seattle soon after we confronted him. Christian got Welch to track him down and it appeared for a while that he had just dropped off the face of the earth but then about six months later he discovered that he had taken his family and returned to the UK and set up a practice there with one of the NHS Health Authorities. Christian had decided that was the point where he could exact his revenge and he contacted the General Medical Council in the UK and furnished them with all the evidence he'd gathered against Flynn with regard to his negligence and poor working practices and as a result he had been struck off the Medical Register and so he was unable to practice in the UK. When it had all come out about what he had done, as he had no choice but to explain why he was suddenly unemployed and no longer able to practice as a psychiatrist. His wife had left him and taken their children and returned to the States. Christian had discussed it with Alexandra and told her what he had done and when she had asked him why he had done it and what his motives were he had simply replied that he didn't want anyone else to go through what he did. He had explained that as he realises now with the obvious progress he is making that he was just treading water for years and not getting anywhere and that was down to John being more interested in just taking his money; and he had said that everyone should be confident in the fact their psychiatrist was doing everything they possibly could to help them and John didn't fulfil that for him.

Now Christian has made such stunning progress and he is now fully engaged in his Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and it is having positive results with his personality disorder. He is slowly learning how to rewire his brain to react differently to different situations and to have better coping mechanisms in place for when he feels he is unable to cope. It is an ongoing process and he is making steady progress, mainly due to the fact he is totally engaged with it and he really wants to improve. Neither of us is naive enough to believe that this is going to be a quick fix and we are also fully aware that there will be setbacks along the way. Christian has to unlearn over 20 years of a certain way of thinking and behaving and retrain his brain to think and react a different way but if anyone can do it I am certain he can. He has become a firm advocate of Mindfulness and as a result I have seen real improvement and he insists that he feels calmer and less stressed all the time and he has said that it has helped him in his work environment as well as personally.

He says that he feels more able to choose how to respond to his thoughts and feelings and cope with difficult or unhelpful thoughts. I have noticed it has also helped him with his self image as he is using Mindfulness techniques to learn how to be kinder towards himself. It hasn't been without it's setbacks but that is to be expected and he has had numerous wobbles over the years when things haven't gone quite according to plan but generally speaking Christian is in a far better place than he was when I first met him and he continues to progress well. I am so proud of him for always giving one hundred per cent to it and I know that at first it was his fear of losing me which motivated him more than anything but he has also slowly come to realise over the years that he is worth loving and he is worth the effort that he is putting in and after he voiced that realisation for the first time during that confrontation with John Flynn he has continued to make great strides in learning to like himself.

He has also come to terms with the fact that Elena never helped him when he was a teenager, it was a massive breakthrough for him when he admitted that she compounded his self loathing by the lies she fed him, it had upset me when he told of how she made him believe that he deserved the abuse he endured. That was a hard series of sessions for him admitting and coming to terms with the depth of the damage she had caused him and it is something he still has difficulty with at times even now. He had finally understood that she had been manipulating him for years, ever since that night Grace found out about her. The night I threw my drink over her when she had tried to manipulate me into leaving Christian. He has realised that all she did was push his anger inward and made it harder for him to cope which then created a new set of issues as a result and compounded the issues that were already there.

The biggest surprise for me though was when he voluntarily came forward and helped to put Elena in prison. She had never given up her predilections towards young boys and while her recent subs had all been of age and consenting adults, a couple came forward to make complaints against her and they said that she had first approached them when they were minors. This had caused a stir in the media and as a result more young men had come forward and told their stories of how she had abused them before they were consenting adults. This had encouraged Christian to also step forward and tell his story of how his mothers former friend had used her relationship with his mother to get information on him that she could use gain access to him and to groom him and how due to issues he was going through at the time he had willingly allowed her to groom and abuse him.

He had come to me and asked me if I would support him if he were to go to the police and tell his story and he assured me that if I wasn't totally on board with the idea he wouldn't do it. He knew that it would cause a sensation because of who he is and he wanted to make sure I was ok and on board with his decision. It was a no brainer for me and I had told him that of course he had my support as I really wanted Elena to crash and burn. It had been quite horrific with the media hounding us for a while but it was worth it as in the end Elena was found guilty of seven counts of statutory rape of a minor, one for each of the victims but it had also been pointed out and made clear that in some cases she raped them more than once and that had made me feel physically sick when Christian and the other men had described in detail how she had violated them all with a strap on. She was also charged with grooming along with physical and emotional abuse as well as sexual child abuse. We all hope sincerely that there is no way she will ever see the light of day again.

I am pulled from my thoughts as Christian sits himself down beside me.

"Hey baby" he says brightly and his hand instinctively moves to my swollen stomach.

I lean towards him and press a small kiss to his cheek, and watch as our son comes running over.

"Careful with mommy Teddy" Christian says immediately, and Teddy plops himself down on Christian's lap but he leans towards me and places his head on my stomach and as he does this he giggles.

"She kicked me again" he says and Christian eagerly moves his hand to feel.

"Where?" he asks and Teddy lifts his head and points to the spot where his head was resting a moment ago.

Christian runs his hand over the spot and I watch as a huge grin fills his face as he feels our daughter move inside me and then give him a solid kick.

"How is my daughter?" he asks me and I smile.

"Active, as you can feel and it doesn't help as my back is killing me today" I say.

Christian immediately places a hand on my back and starts rubbing it, "Is that better baby?" he asks and I just moan with pleasure at the feeling.

Teddy quickly loses interest and I notice that something seems to attract his attention and he jumps up to run off down the meadow once more.

"Theodore Raymond Grey where do you think you are going?" Christian calls and his hand stills on my back.

Teddy stops and turns before pointing, "Sophie" he says and we look up to see Taylor's daughter walking towards us.

Christian nods, "Ok, but be careful" he says and with that Teddy runs off towards Sophie.

He starts rubbing my back again and after a few moments I tell him that I have had enough.

"You looked deep in thought when we came over" Christian says as he lies down in the grass next to me.

I turn and lie down beside him and rest my head on his chest, his arm automatically wraps around me and his hand strokes my hair absently.

"I was just thinking about everything that has happened over the past few years, we are coming up to our wedding anniversary soon and it always gets me feeling a little nostalgic" I say.

I hear him snort, "I think the past few years are best forgotten" he states.

I lift my head slightly and look at him, "It's not all been bad, admittedly that business with John was unpleasant but he got his just deserts in the end when he got struck off in the UK".

Christian nods in agreement with that and I continue to speak, "Elena's trial was also an unpleasant time but we got through it and I believe that it has helped you, as you have used it to positively reconcile a number of things from your past. However I think there have been many good things too. Lots of good stuff has happened to us like Teddy for instance and this little one" I say as I pat my stomach.

"Hmmm" he agrees dismissively but as he says that he places his hand on top of mine and squeezes.

"I'm happy… no not happy I'm content and resigned with that part of my life now" he says suddenly and I turn and look up at him.

"Good" I say simply and wait for him to continue, I have learnt that when Christian starts to speak like this there is more he wants to say and so I just wait for him to be ready to say it.

"I see things so much more clearly now. You were right, I had to face up to my past and slay those demons to have any chance at a future and I think I have just about done that now. I know and accept that I can't change what happened to me but I have come to terms with it which is something I hadn't ever done until I met you and I no longer feel bitterness or anger about it… you've changed me Mrs Grey" he says and he leans down and presses a kiss to my head.

"You've done very well and I am proud of you" I say sincerely.

"I never did thank you" Christian says suddenly.

I look up at him in surprise, "Thank me? What do you need to thank me for?" I say incredulously.

He touches my face, "for everything" he says simply.

I laugh and shake my head, "I am not responsible for everything" I say.

I watch as he nods his head emphatically, "you are… from the moment you fell into my office, you captivated me, and I fell in love with you. I fell in love with your physical beauty and with your beautiful heart. I need to thank you for trusting in me, putting your faith in me and for questioning my life… and making me question my life. You had the guts to stand up and say hang on a moment this isn't right; not only with my parents but also with my therapist. As a result I am closer with my family than I have ever been in my life, and I am finally getting the help I need for my issues and all because you stood up and you gave a damn" he says.

I shake my head, "I just set the ball rolling Christian, I pointed out the anomalies and the things which should've been done to help you but you should be thanking yourself as you need to take some of the credit because first of all you listened to me and you acted on what I told you, and then you made the effort to improve yourself and you are continuing to do so" I say.

"I still have my moments though" he says with a grin and I roll my eyes.

"Oh yes you still have your moments, you wouldn't be you if you didn't" I say.

"Fifty shades of fucked up" he states playfully and I shake my head.

I shake my head "No, less than that now… I'd say more 25-30!" I retort and I watch as he throws his head back and laughs.

I let out a small giggle as he reaches for me and pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly.

"I love you so much, I love my family, I love our little family that we are building and I am slowly beginning to learn that I deserve to have all of it" he says.

I pull back and look at him, "so are you saying you love yourself too?" I ask.

He laughs and shakes his head, "No, I wouldn't go that far" he says.

"Like yourself then?" I push.

He thinks about that and then holds up his finger and thumb "Maybe just a little bit" he says.

"Ok I can live with that… after all I can love you enough for both of us!" I say.

**THE END**


End file.
